Many people equate domestic violence with direct physical abuse, but experts warn this is a dangerous myth. This narrow view of domestic violence can sometimes allow the insidious and far-reaching effects of other kinds of abuse in a relationship to go unacknowledged. In fact, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse, harassment, and stalking all fall under the umbrella of domestic violence. 5 things to look out for:
1. They Insist on Accompanying You Everywhere
An abuser who wants to isolate you from others has many “looks” — including never leaving you alone. This is not because they “love you so much and only want time together,” It’s about establishing power and dominance and separating you from loved ones, which makes relying on the abuser necessary
2. They Frequently Employ Gaslighting Tactics
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which an abuser causes a person to question his or her own reality. Gaslighting can involve taunting or humiliating a person, and then accusing them of being overly sensitive or dramatic when they react to these taunts. The victim is made to feel confused, or that their reactions are out of proportion to the circumstances and to begin to question their own reactions and feelings. In these types of relationships, the abuser often paints a picture of the person being abused as mentally unfit and overreactive or downplays abusive incidents as normal arguments.
3. They Use ‘Love Bombing’ to Smooth Over Emotional Attacks
Emotional abuse often involves emotional attacks, which Kambolis defines as constant judgment and criticism and treating someone as if they’re worthless. It’s not uncommon for an abuser to emotionally chip away at the other person’s self-esteem, leaving them feeling dependent and incapable of leaving. Love bombing — which can take the form of gifts, compliments, apologies, and grandiose promises to never repeat the abusive behavior — often follows these emotional attacks as a way to smooth things over, Kelman explains.
4. The Person Being Abused Seems Eager to Please Their Abuser
A person experiencing domestic violence may agree with, compliment, praise, or make excuses for the abuser in an attempt to minimize the abuse. For example, a person may check in with her abuser before making any decisions, no matter how small. They may also avoid responding to questions in front of others without seeking permission from their abuser.
5. The Relationship Has Been Through Several Breakups and Makeups
Someone experiencing domestic violence may try to leave an abusive relationship several times before being fully able to reclaim their life. According to Women Against Abuse, there are several reasons for this:
- They lack resources, such as a safe place to stay or a reliable mode of transportation.
- They fear falling into financial insecurity or poverty.
- They worry about the well-being of children or pets.
- A fear of harm or retribution from the abuser may also lead someone to stay in an abusive relationship and to mistakenly believe they can end the cycle of abuse if they simply “try harder” to make things work or avoid upsetting the abuser, explains Kelman.